What we did on our holidays

 

Good evening, everyone. I hope that you are well. I come to you this evening, watching the cricket with a sunburned nose, having come back from a week in Malta.  My apologies for not letting you know that we were going away, but as I think I have said before, HOH is convinced that, as soon as we leave, ne'er-do-wells are lining up in the stairwell ready to run in and make off with his collection of Four Tops albums. Therefore, we are not allowed to advertise the fact that we will not be here for any length of time, even though no one has the faintest idea where we are. 

Anyway, we have returned safe and sound, if a little burnt around the extremities. So, Malta. What do you want to know? I had never been to Malta before - I'm not sure if you have. The brief, as HOH and I were concerned, was a bit of sun on our backs and a bit of history.  We certainly got the sun. 42 degrees at a couple of points. In the words of the great Peter Kay..."I like it hot, but not that hot." We were speaking to a taxi driver who said that things are definitely changing, climate-wise. He said that high temperatures were not unusual, but they would build slowly through July and hit the early 40s in the middle of August. Now the high temperatures hit them like a train but obviously, Climate Change is not a thing. Hmm. We did go on a guided tour, which was mainly us all running from shaded area to shaded area like Dick Dastardly and Muttley so that the guide could tell us stuff without us passing out. 

Malta is a funny place. Some parts of the main street in Valetta are like Benidorm at the peak of summer, with lots of slightly battered young girls who look like they have their dresses on back to front, but the church in the main square has two beautiful Caravaggios, which you need to cover your shoulders to be able to see. 

It is very proud of its military history, for obvious reasons. Every day, people dress up in military uniforms like something from "It Ain't Half Hot Mum" and fire cannons to commemorate something I couldn't quite catch. We were also taken to see a film about Malta's history (excellent air con in the cinema), and there was a lot of stuff about the Knights Templar - like in Indiana Jones. These knights are very important in Malta, but I struggled to work out who they were, where they came from, etc. There are paintings of them with the Virgin Mary and others, where they are running hospitals and, less edifyingly, they were proud leaders of the Maltese Inquisition, which sought to make sure that people were encouraged to stay in the true Catholic faith via the medium of torture and long, drawn-out death. We visited the Inquisitor's Palace, which is probably the creepiest museum I have ever been in (and I've been in Madame Tussauds in Blackpool). They have full-sized Jesuses - the most disturbing statue being the one where he was lying on the floor, having been taken down from the cross. Oliver Cromwell didn't get it all wrong, you know. 

Malta is also home to a lot of Neolithic art. The most famous is probably this tiny statue of a woman in repose (or possibly dead), who is exactly as I imagine my body shape to be. That's what I call a set of hips. "Experts" believe it could be 5000 years old. Is it disrespectful to say she's very cute? Probably. 

So we had a lovely time. We didn't manage to visit the church which houses St Paul's wrist bone, which I am certain is 100% genuine, so that was a blow.     Also, you'll never get me to like flying. It's not a normal thing, is it? But we did have an excellent time, and I am very glad to be back. Ungrateful? Probably. The usual level of moaning will be resumed next time. Have a good week.